Twas the Night Before Kindergarten....

No one ever told me that being a mother would be so hard. I think that I anticipated that it would be emotional and trying at times. Never did I imagine the amount of worry and ache my heart would feel even in the late hours of the evening and wee hours of the morning.

Last spring we began debating what to do with the Little Man when school rolled around this September. You would have thought we were deciding whether to cut off his right leg or left leg. It felt like the hardest decision. We wanted to make sure that he was ready, make sure that he would be safe and accepted in his new community, make sure that he would be engaged in learning and challenged based on his specific abilities. I lost a lot of sleep over those two months, but fortunately we came to a decision that we felt was right for our Little Man and that decision brought with it a lot of peace.

Over the past few months we have anticipated the arrival of his first day of Kindergarten. There were some moments of extreme emotion on my part (not surprising if you know me well). However, for the most part I was able to remind myself that this is just another act of trusting, I would be sitting around at home waiting for his school day to end, and that ultimately this is what parenting is all about: establishing roots and letting them out of the nest. I would mediate on this and find some peace.  I wanted to celebrate with him this exciting moment - not be a complete train wreck. Then the days started approaching for him to begin school and I started to view each day as a precious moment that had to be seized and celebrated. My mama heart grew heavier and my emotions felt a little out of control.

I felt myself grieving the years that I have missed. Grieving that he hasn't even been home three years and already we are entering a different stage of life together- that he won't be my little "toddler" anymore - and as everyone says, 'we will blink and he will be going off to college.' He had some tough moments last year and I just want to protect his little heart that plans on saving the world from malaria.

I still can't put into words all that I am wrestling with in my heart - like I said this mama thing is hard - I just know that it has been feeling a lot of growing pains lately and a lot more grief than I anticipated.

Here's hoping for the best tomorrow - but still wanting him to need me just a little bit - and the rest of this Kindergarten year.